I had a conversation today with a friend at work about a concern regarding a group dynamics issue in a team we're both working on. I was so nervous to talk to him about it -- not because I thought that it was that big of a deal and not because I think he's a bad guy or anything... Simply because I'm SO relationship-oriented that I get nervous every time I think about delivering constructive feedback and the impact it may have on our relationship. In this particular case, I hadn't worked with this person on an individual basis in the past, so I didn't have much built up with him in the way of personal "credits." If I wasn't able to communicate that I had his and the group's best interest at heart, I could damage the relationship more than help it. Such was the situation this morning before I talked to him. Nerves...
On my way to his office, I passed an office with a woman sitting at a single corner desk unit in the back corner, and all around her were boxes piled to the ceiling. It looked like someone had stuffed her into a closet to work -- not an ideal work environment... I had been thinking of something to break the ice, and this provided the perfect conversation starter. Turns out the woman manages a program, and all of the boxes were materials for an event she's managing in the near future. Regardless, we laughed about it and then broke off into about 30 minutes of conversation about his (fascinating) job. By the time we turned our attention to the purpose I had requested the meeting (i.e., the feedback), we had built a more personal bridge between us, and I felt like I could talk to him in a way that established clearly my interest in his success and that of the team. The rest of the conversation went well... He received the feedback with grace and concern for doing what's best for the project and the team. No need for nerves... Or was there?
For me, nerves are a good thing, as long as they don't cripple me from taking needed action. Nerves heighten my senses and force me to stop and think carefully through my actions and approach for what I think really needs to take place. In some cases (such as this one), it helps me crystalize the details of the feedback I want to give. Is it really as important as I think it is? What is the impact of the issue at hand? Do I have the other person's interests at heart? Do I have a
heart at peace or a heart at war? Do I have a plan for how I'm going to address it? Have I thought about specific examples that will help the person make effective use of the feedback and not just walk away frustrated from the experience?
Other times, nerves force me to take a step back and realize that moving forward with the action isn't what is best -- for the other person, for me or for the team/organization. Maybe my heart isn't right toward the other person, and it's best to hold off until I sort out my own issues first. Maybe the issue is too small or confined to a moment that is passed to take the time to talk about it. Maybe I just don't care enough about the issue to risk a bad outcome... Whatever the case, sometimes being nervous can be a sign that I haven't thought through the details thoroughly enough.
In the end, today turned out well. I had a great conversation with someone I now consider a friend and who I hope will consider me an ally who cares about his success, I learned a lot about a really cool job and the team was able to move past what I felt was a roadblock that was keeping us from being as effective as we could be now and in the future. To boot, I feel personally more confident each time I have a successful experience like this.
Before I round this out, I'd be remiss not to mention that I had a prayer in my heart going into this discussion that I would be able to convey my true motivations for providing the feedback, and I feel that my prayer was answered. So, you could say I saw God today in a simple answer to a simple prayer and a strengthened relationship with a colleague.
So, here's to nerves... And prayer...
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